Immediately after graduating from college I married Paul and we moved to Texas. Throughout our time in Texas I would say my weight was not really a focus of mine until becoming pregnant about 3 years in to our marriage. I put on a massive amount of weight for my small frame due to "justified" overeating in the form of root beer floats and burgers from Sonic, sometimes twice a day.
I eased the financial stress and fear of the future with food. Which felt good until our baby was born and I had to deal with all the weight I chose to gain during my pregnancy.
Cue the eating disorder - my familiar way of dealing with my weight was not eating at all.
So there I was extremely overweight, nursing a brand new baby and eating a lean pocket once a day. One Lean Pocket a day. This is when my dental issues became really severe. I had to have a root canal within 2 months of giving birth.
What happened? I started losing weight. While simultaneously ruining my teeth (long term consequence I was not fully aware of until much later in life) and refusing to deal with all the other emotional stresses of my marriage and financial issues.
My marriage was in trouble, we literally had less than no money, a new baby and no direction for our future. Food was the only thing I felt "in control" of when actually I was out of control with that too.
We made a big move back home to Florida, moved in with my parents for a few months, started working and saving money. While this started to help in the marriage and financial areas of life I still wasn’t eating. I was still eating a lean pocket only once a day.
This was my choice. No one noticed. Well actually, my husband did and he begged me to eat, but the truth is there wasn’t anything he could do about it. I was determined. In defense of my other friends and family, even if they had noticed and said something chances are I would have gone further into "hiding" what I was doing and avoiding the real issues.
Remember eating disorders are not just about food...
Obviously I lost weight which resulted the praise and attention we as a society give to someone who loses weight. I felt "better" about myself and time marched on. My relationship with food seemed to improve in an on again off again sort of way.
Until our 2nd baby was on the way - to me being pregnant was an excuse to pile on the pounds...in a way I suppose this was a form of binging. Except I didn't actually purge, I would starve myself, destroy my teeth and mentally beat myself up through it all.
Photo Credit: Gellinger on Pixabay
I'm Heidi & I am so happy you are here...
If this is your first time visiting this page and reading my story first let me say thank you for reading! This is a story with layers and layers of history and details that have lived in my brain and heart but only now are being shared "out loud" . I truly believe I am free now, keeping in mind having an eating disorder is really something that never fully goes away, it is something that is with me to this day but I am free because it no longer controls me.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder or suspect you are, please get help! There is no shame and stigma's are being broken!
Wife, mother, psychology major, writer, dreamer, God chaser, book revolutionist, passionate about people and society past, present and future...
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