I often refer to the years following High School as "no man's land". It's a strange time after graduating from High School, trying to find your way in the world. Feeling grown up because you live away from your parents 9 months out of the year but dependent on your parents funding your life and education. Kind of a transition period. You are old enough to be completely independent but few people I know really jump out of the nest during the 18 - 22 year age range. Mostly due to financial ties.
I went to college because it was expected of me. My parents drove me six hours north to Wesleyan College in Macon, Georgia - sight unseen - and left me there in my dorm room. I didn't know a soul. I was excited. I thought I could finally break free from myself. Start over. Reinvent myself. Stop being so insecure, weak and needy. Finally reach my full potential. I tried - but failed.
It is futile to try to run away from yourself seeing how you are always with you...
I started eating. I actually gained the "freshman 15" or in my case the "freshman 20". With the help of Krystal Burgers I went the other extreme and shifted from not eating to overeating. I found it interesting that gaining this "freshman 15" didn't keep me from being able to hook up with willing college boys. Of course none of this helped my self esteem and the extra pounds quickly became a problem for me. I started skipping meals, working out and trying to find some balance in life. I never returned to weights in the 90's or low 100's but mentally and emotionally I was a wreck.
Eating disorders are not just about eating. I keep repeating this because it is an important truth.
No one in my close family or friend circles in high school or college realized I had a problem at all. The mental, emotional and physical challenges I faced, I faced them on my own. The warning signs of eating disorders were present in my life but are considered "normal" for teens or young adults. Things like being concerned with looks/weight, moodiness, boy trouble, friend issues, withdrawing...these are all things expected of teens and accepted as normal in the culture of raising American teenagers.
Even though there are multiple resources available educating parents, teachers and friends about signs and red flags in the life of the teens we know and love, unless the signs are drastically extreme it is my theory most friends and family members miss the signs.
I am guilty of missing signs with my own daughter, history will repeat itself if we choose to ignore it , which is one reason I am telling my story, stripped of pride, with all the embarrassing details.
This journey with eating disorders comes with many layers - some I haven't even touched on yet. For starters I actually saw psychologists off and on while growing up and none of them ever knew about my real issues. Another layer includes being in an emotionally abusive relationship in high school with a boyfriend who would have me get on a bathroom scale to check my weight. Yet another layer includes being drawn in to emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships and situations without knowing how to set healthy boundaries. Layers and layers with many unhealthy years physically, mentally and emotionally.
My college years wrapped up with my weight fluctuating and my emotional state improving but still extremely fragile. I made real friends who are still my friends today. I met my husband and ended my promiscuous life when we started dating. My college years were full of ups and downs emotionally and in the weight category.
When I started telling my story I knew it was deeply rooted but didn't realize there were so many layers - the telling has started this peeling process. When will all the layers be peeled back? What will actually be there? Where will the telling of this story end? I don't know.
I am still walking out this journey. Thanks for joining me in the process...
I'm Heidi & I am so happy you are here...
If this is your first time visiting this page and reading my story first let me say thank you for reading! This is a story with layers and layers of history and details that have lived in my brain and heart but only now are being shared "out loud" . I truly believe I am free now, keeping in mind having an eating disorder is really something that never fully goes away, it is something that is with me to this day but I am free because it no longer controls me.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder or suspect you are, please get help! There is no shame and stigma's are being broken!
Wife, mother, psychology major, writer, dreamer, God chaser, book revolutionist, passionate about people and society past, present and future...
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