Internet guiding tweens & teens

Author:
Heidi Suydam

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What do you do as a parent? Do you deny all access to the internet? Is that even possible these days? Do you deny all involvement in and on social media? What about email? What about things like games, Pinterest, Musically?

Do you monitor ALL interactions on ALL devices? Is THAT even possible? Do you manage hours per day on devices? On the internet? On PC’s, gaming systems, even smart TVs now? Do you constantly monitor your children? Is THAT even possible?

We all want to protect our children. Let me share something with you that is very important. Something I know from experience. Something that will shock you but I hope you will take it to heart. Especially if your initial thought is “well I know I can” or “not my child”.
 
Parents – there is NO WAY, no possible way, absolutely no way you can monitor every single bit of your child’s interactions.
 
Unless you live in a cave, or completely off the grid and the fact that you are reading this tells me your family is not completely off the grid. Even if you did live in a cave or “completely” off the grid I would still have my doubts in this day and age. You get the point.

I am begging you please do not take it for granted that “you know” about all your child’s interactions in the form of text messages, emails, direct messages, social media interactions etc. etc…
 
So what are we to do? How do we keep our children safe? How do we protect them? How do we HELP them?

Sadly, there is no 100% guarantee, but honestly was there ever? Even for parents in decades before this new internet age tweens and teens have always been able to be daring outside of their parent’s protective care. Sure, it’s easier now, right from within your own four walls but think about it. Parents for generations have faced this question. We just have to take a new approach. We can do this!
 
Another tidbit from experience. I tried the deny access approach and guess what? It doesn’t work. 

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If denying access is your plan please read rules vs. reason and then come back here for some ideas about helping and preparing your tweens and teens for the big world sitting right inside their pocket and/or constantly in their hands.

Just reading a few statistics from Guard Child will show you, statistically, parents do not know everything that is happening online, even with our own children:

• 65% of 8 – 14 year olds have been involved in a cyber-bullying incident.
• 69% of teens regularly receive online communications from strangers and don’t tell their parent or caretaker.
• 86% of the girls polled said they could chat online without their parent's knowledge.
• Approximately 89% of sexual solicitations were made in chat rooms or through instant messaging.

I used to be that parent who thought "not my child" I was scared, I tried to "protect" them from everything and everyone instead of equipping them to make wise choices, instead of letting them (with boundaries) start to make choices and learn to interact and connect in safe ways online.

This is why I am writing this today. This is my #sos to you, some tips from this old mom who now has a new approach. 
 
4 Tips for Internet Guiding your Tweens & Teens: 

1. Start talking early – before they are even tweens and teens. This is key but if you are beyond this and you have tweens and teens don’t give up! Early? How early? Earlier than you would think. Every child is different but if you are thinking “I should talk to my kids about x, y, z…” and then think “no it’s too early” STOP! Find a way to talk to them now, you had that thought for a reason. There is an age appropriate way to address the realities of internet safety even with very young children. If your child is old enough to play an internet based game that has any way at all for someone to contact them and interact with them within the game – it’s not too early to talk to them. In other words if someone can ask your child a simple question and they are old enough to answer it like what’s your name, how old are you, is your mommy there….it’s not too early to talk to them. It can be as simple as “if something like this pops up while you are playing make sure you show mommy so I can see who it is!”
2. Tell them the realities of the dangers of liars online. Do this early too. Earlier than you think you need to. I will continue to state that over and over. Sounds harsh. I know you don’t want to taint their little hearts and minds that people are bad and by no means should you! But prepare them. You can do this in a way that doesn’t paint all of humanity as villains but you can do this in a way that will help them think and make good choices! Maybe ask them question like “if someone messages you how do you know they are who they say they are?” Listen to what your child says, then continue the conversation. Ask lots of questions that make them think, help them figure it out. Guide them – don’t just tell them.  (lengthy lectures lack lasting lessons)
3. Go through their apps and contacts periodically. Go through their devices – WITH THEM – periodically. Clean out. Check privacy settings. Talk as you go. By talk I mean do more listening than actual talking. Try to get them to do the talking. Ask questions like “what do you use that app for” “who plays this with you” “do you post there regularly” “have you met any new friends” etc. etc…then LISTEN without reacting. If they say something alarming try your best not to make a quick reaction. Why? Because they will shut down. Take the information, process it, and then deal with it. I am in NO WAY saying allow your child to remain in a dangerous situation, but one of the keys to navigating this part of parenting is making sure, absolutely sure your teens and tweens are TALKING openly and honestly. I am convinced the only way they will do this is if they feel safe and free to talk without reaction or judgment from you. **more about how to “react” as in deal with dangers below**
4. Have them help with the “device rules” & periodically revisit and revise them. Sound crazy? I am not suggesting we let them parent themselves, or that we deny ourselves parental authority when it comes to rules with devices, TV, internet etc. Think about this. How much more effective would a “rule” be if your child helped decide on the rule or guideline? It forces them to be responsible for some of the parameters, some of the boundaries. They learn etiquette differently when they are the ones thinking about what is rude or not, what is acceptable or not. Let them have a voice. “What do you think is an acceptable time at night for devices to be turned off for the day?” “What do you think is a reasonable amount of internet time per day?” “What do you consider ‘internet’ time?” “Is internet time different than screen time?” the discussions go on and on and coming up with “rules” or I think better word is “guidelines” (semantics…it’s easier to swallow) for your family can be done without as much pain and protest this way. Still not always fun (even for mom and dad, let’s face it we need to revisit our own guidelines from time to time don’t we?).

 
What do you do if you discover a real danger through these discussions with your children? 

1. Do not react with yelling, crying, desperation.
2. Try to calmly determine the severity of the threat. Is this something that you can handle? Is this situation one that warrants you alerting the authorities? Are there other children in your community involved? In other words assess the situation then take informed action.
3. Make sure your child feels LOVED and SAFE with you, not judged or condemned.
4. If your child refuses to recognize the threat and is attached to who or what they are involved in that is a danger for which you may need to solicit outside help, a trusted friend or counselor.

Best case scenario even if your child is dealing with a dangerous situation is that through loving, open, nonjudgmental communication with you, Mom & Dad, they will come to the realization themselves that you have their  best interest in mind. Even if they don’t initially they will.

Love wins, every time. LOVE – not fear. 
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Don’t lose heart dear parents. Be confident in your decisions, loving in your approach, listening in your conversations. You’ve got his! You love and know your child best. Go with that.